Team Mills goes to the Kebab Awards
Chris, producer Will and producer Gary had found suits at extremely short notice. The loud checks, coloured ties and clashing patterns made them look like a combination of Dumb and Dumber, Rupert the Bear and three people dressed for a Macklemore video. Chris initially had a place on a leading table beside MPs and civic dignitaries, but moved to table 80 at the back so the team could sit together.
The ceremony was considerably larger and more formal than they had expected, with about 1,000 guests. Other presenters simply introduced a category and opened an envelope, confirming Scott’s advice, but Chris remained determined to deliver the speech he had prepared.
Around 40 seconds before he went on, Will accidentally poured a drink over Chris’s grey suit and phone. Chris entered the stage worried that his trousers looked wet, while the phone was later placed in rice. The show had also written an unflattering introduction which described him as its tea maker and helper and revived an old worst-dressed accolade.
Without the paper containing his planned remarks, Chris improvised. He said 2014 had been a big year for kebabs and hoped 2015 would be bigger. His intended joke, “It’s great to see a falafel house,” emerged as the meaningless “It’s great to see falafel people in the house.” A final promise to “make it meze” received limited support from a group of listeners at the back.
The errors continued after the speech. An official announced the runner-up and Chris assumed the category was over. He left the stage, approached Gary for a celebratory high five and had to be told that the actual winner had not been announced. By the time he tried to return, the presentation was continuing without him. The video recorded Gary shouting, “The winner!” and Chris replying that he had already done it.
Scott considered the entire appearance an early contender for his favourite failure of 2015. Chris finally accepted that writing a speech had been a mistake, although he remained proud to have presented at the British Kebab Awards at all.
Huw Stephens plays Innuendo Bingo
Huw Stephens joined Chris after a week covering the Breakfast Show. He had noticed that early starts made his sense of smell stronger, while Scott remembered becoming so disoriented during Breakfast cover that he climbed a tree on his way home.
The clips began with a Home Front character promising to take somebody in the back door for a glimpse of the servants in their natural habitat. Alan Titchmarsh again explored the Queen’s entire garden, while Flog It! supplied a man who loved his wood and appreciated how tight it was.
Mike Dilger became excited by “all the blow” while watching humpback whales, a BBC Radio Leicester treasure hunt repeatedly announced that somebody was coming, and Fags, Mags and Bags asked whether a new bishop would kiss a ring. Chris took one of Huw’s strongest sprays directly in the face during Eggheads, before classic clips about a runny pie and Dale Winton choosing head ended the game.
Scott is benched
Scott expected to reunite with the Strictly Come Dancing cast for a live performance on The One Show. The others could rehearse during the afternoon, but his radio programme prevented him joining them.
Craig Revel Horwood approached with the news that Scott would not be included in the dance. Scott preferred to say he had been benched so that the finished routine would look polished, rather than risk walking in the wrong direction after insufficient practice. Chris was fascinated that Craig had personally removed him, while Scott insisted he was relieved to watch from the sofa.
Huw also announced James Bay at number two in the BBC Music Sound of 2015 list. Bay had first reached Radio 1 through BBC Introducing and made a strong impression when he replaced an unwell London Grammar in the Live Lounge. Huw proposed taking him to the real James Bay in Canada for a performance, an idea Scott recognised as an elaborate request for a trip.
Real or No Real
Greg James confirmed that Jamie Oliver really had couriered a Christmas turkey to his parents after their recent interview. He had treated the gift so casually that his production team only discovered it during the previous day’s game.
The world’s most expensive kebab genuinely cost more than $1,000 and included champagne-infused yoghurt, feta, edible gold and platinum. Celebrity Big Brother crew members did not have to pass a written test naming every housemate, but texts involving Russell Brand and Dizzee Rascal really were being introduced to the A-level English syllabus.
Swedish bars also required a licence if customers were to dance legally. Greg imagined being arrested after a night out with Terry Wogan, but lost the round 30–20. Nothing in the game, however, matched the implausible sequence that had taken Chris from hearing about an awards ceremony to walking off its stage before announcing the winner.
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