The goldfish investigation continues
The £300 operation on a constipated goldfish generated more questions than any of the previous day’s facts. A listener said a cold pea had solved the same problem without surgery, while a vet explained that the operating surface was normal-sized and the fish was kept wet.
Scott still could not understand how an owner diagnosed constipation or how the operation worked. Chris continued to defend the price as reasonable for such delicate work, even while accepting that another goldfish would cost only a few pounds. The programme offered no veterinary advice, but cold peas emerged as the cheaper option.
Indiana plays the first Bingo of 2015
Indiana returned for the year’s first Innuendo Bingo while promoting her debut album No Romeo. She had previously covered Mr Probz’s “Waves” in the Live Lounge without singing the word “waves” and remained as enthusiastic about getting soaked as she had been on her earlier visits.
Nigel Slater began the game by letting kale soften before throwing in sausage and nuts. Football commentator Danny Murphy praised Matt Tubbs for cleverly pulling off Mamadou Sakho, while Tom Kerridge stewed his plums in a sweet base, cut them in half and put them into his batter mix. Scott barely needed to say Alan Titchmarsh’s name before Chris lost his water, but the clip eventually revealed that Titchmarsh had special permission to explore the Queen’s entire garden.
Fearne Cotton promised it would soon be “time for the boobs”, The Love of Cars wondered whether there was any magic left in Tony’s wand, and the game finished with a Today presenter announcing that it was “eight cock”. Indiana and Chris repeatedly retaliated before the clips had finished and ended the exceptionally wet game dripping across the studio.
Challenges for a sober self
Listeners had continued setting themselves tasks after drinking. One person had hidden his glasses, then left his sober self a voicemail explaining where to find them. Beccy went further by hiding her passport after a night with friends. She could not find it the next morning, missed their skiing holiday in France and discovered it two days later in the freezer.
Tom had written himself a Christmas card apologising for the coming hangover and promising that he had already drunk water. Scott enjoyed the small act of consideration, although hiding an essential travel document remained a challenge too far.
Voice Dating
Unlucky Gary’s Ice Bucket Dating technique convinced Chris that people should choose prospective partners by voice. Listeners pointed out that this was effectively Blind Date, but he preferred to describe it as an app-based version of The Voice.
Katie volunteered because she normally insisted on a phone call before meeting anyone from an app. She wanted to assess tone, conversation and even whether somebody sounded as though he might snore. One previous date had looked promising in photographs but, in her description, opened his mouth and sounded like an old northern woman.
The first profile came from 22-year-old account manager Brad. He hated mayonnaise, loved peach and proposed sushi followed by an old-fashioned blues bar. Katie imagined a slim, blond man in tight T-shirts, compared him to Jack Tweed or Joey Essex and suspected that his polished date made him sound like a player.
Fowaz, 26, described himself as a stuffed-crust pizza: thick around the sides, hot like jalapeños and adventurous like pineapple. His party trick involved balancing cups on his head and catching them as they fell, while his ideal first date was in Fiji. Katie decided that he sounded unintelligent and pictured a goatee, excessive gold jewellery and an unaffordable car.
Both men were listening. Fowaz came on air to challenge the verdict, revealing that he had neither a goatee, jewellery nor an expensive car and travelled by bicycle. Brad then objected to being called a player. Katie still chose Brad, but the awkward live confrontations demonstrated that hearing a voice did not prevent somebody building an equally inaccurate picture.
Charlie Sloth’s human dryer
Charlie Sloth played Real or No Real and described the full-body dryer installed beside his walk-in shower. Rather than use a towel, he pressed a remote and stood beneath hot air for about a minute. Scott and Chris pictured him wearing only his chain and compared the arrangement to both a car wash and a production line.
The Voice Australia’s chairs did not rotate in the opposite direction to the British chairs, but Britain really spent about £30 million on Brussels sprouts each Christmas. The Guinness World Records book was genuinely the volume most often stolen from public libraries, and otters really did hold hands while sleeping or resting so that their families did not drift apart. Scott won the round, while Chris gained a possible commission for the show’s resident inventor.
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