Chris is missing
Chris was away from the programme, leaving Scott and Greg James to play Real or No Real without anybody controlling the game. The result became a noisy argument over nachos, the Oscars and which person was supposed to reveal each answer.
Listener George had nearly asked Twitter whether a banana counted as one of his five portions of fruit and stopped himself after hearing the Breakfast Show discuss “Let Me Google That for You”. The site generated a deliberately patronising animation for questions which could have been answered by an ordinary search.
Scott also heard from people taking breaks from social media after becoming tired of gym updates, repeated questions and the pressure to respond. None of them, however, had a distraction comparable with the recordings waiting from Thursday’s cinema trip.
Waiting for Vanessa
Scott and Chris had approached several people about seeing Fifty Shades of Grey. Richard and Judy declined, other names could not be revealed and the idea of going with their mothers had already been refused. Vanessa Feltz accepted because she offered the perfect combination: the awkwardness of a parental presence and an absolute willingness to discuss everything on screen.
She arrived about ten minutes late while Scott and Chris waited in the rain. Scott briefly feared she had spotted them and left, but Vanessa eventually appeared in a characteristically elaborate outfit and joined them for a drink.
The cinema sofa was intended for two people, forcing the three of them unusually close together. Microphones recorded their reactions, ensuring that everybody around them also became part of a Radio 1 outside broadcast without knowing it.
Fifty Shades with Vanessa
Vanessa treated the film as an interactive event. During the helicopter sequence she asked whether Chris wanted a ride on the chopper and sang along with Ellie Goulding’s “Love Me like You Do”. When the playroom appeared, she announced that she had one just like it and was surprised everybody else did not.
Her strongest objection concerned toast. Christian Grey interfered with Anastasia’s breakfast and Vanessa began a prolonged defence of women being allowed to eat without somebody touching their food. “Get off my toast” expanded into warnings about croissants, biscuits and Crunchies.
That was enough for Chris. He said he felt ill, left the screening and went home, leaving Scott and Vanessa together on the sofa. Their running commentary continued until the film became darker near the end and both fell quiet.
Scott played photographs and recordings throughout the programme. Listeners agreed that he looked deeply uncomfortable and that Vanessa had made a reasonable point about the toast, while Chris’s disappearance became the clearest review of all.
Student campaigns and Real or No Real
The year’s first student-election songs began arriving in volume. Candidates adapted current hits to campaigns for president, welfare and sports roles, with “Uptown Funk” quickly emerging as the default backing track.
In Real or No Real, nachos really were named after their inventor, Ignacio “Nacho” Anaya. The origin of the Oscars nickname remained less certain and the absence of Chris allowed every explanation to generate a new question rather than a final answer.
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