The annual present trap
Scott and Chris repeated the Christmas Eve tradition in which each bought a present for the other’s mother. The gifts waited beneath the correct trees, but both men had to telephone their own mum, claim responsibility and maintain the lie while the item was opened live.
The previous year, Scott’s mother had received a doormat reading “I like it dirty” and continued to use it. That set a difficult standard for embarrassment.
Sweet on the lips and the eye
Chris called his mother first. She found the small blue package and opened a candy bikini containing more than 300 sweets. Chris had to pretend he had personally selected a gift promising to make her feel “sexy and sweet at the same time” and suitable for women of every shape and size.
His mother remained remarkably composed as she read the packaging. Chris ended the call as quickly as possible and apologised, only for Scott to remind him that the second present was still waiting.
Scott’s mother opened a grow-your-own toy boy. Adding water would increase the tiny boyfriend to 600% of his original size, including “in all the important areas”. He would never snore, complain about Downton Abbey or leave her side, although cold temperatures could make him shrink. Scott abandoned the call while Chris insisted she loved it.
Christmas around the world
Time zones once again overwhelmed Chris when listeners reported that Christmas Day had already begun in Australia and New Zealand. He wanted to locate somebody already eating lunch and was startled to learn that some German families held their main celebration on Christmas Eve.
Drivers reported journeys home, annual pub reunions and increasingly vague dress codes such as “smart and sexy”. Scott prepared to open Radio 1 on Christmas morning from 6.30, followed by Greg James revealing the Christmas number one.
Justin Bieber then publicly encouraged fans to buy the NHS Choir’s charity single instead of his own. The contest had been extremely close, but he told supporters it was acceptable for him not to be number one for one week. The programme ended with a festive Real or No Real and plans for a Breakfast Show containing nothing but Christmas music.
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