The giant steel bottom reaches France
Inventor Colin Furze returned with the result of “Fart at France”. He had positioned a 16-foot steel bottom on the coast near Folkestone and fired its enormous pulse jet towards the Channel. Between 100 and 150 people attended, including American visitors carrying stink bombs.
The machine briefly behaved like a flamethrower when the jet shut down, a mode Colin called “curry mode”. The metal survived, leaving Scott interested in buying the structure as a garden feature or placing it outside the home of a celebrity who had behaved badly that week.
Listeners stationed in France reported hearing a muffled burble, although the available recording captured mostly wind and birds. Colin estimated an 80 per cent success rate and proposed making 24 July an annual Fart at France Day, returning with a larger machine and perhaps attempting to send the smell across as well as the sound.
His next invention involved a metal suit bombarded with fireworks. The description did little to improve the programme’s approach to risk assessment.
Cheryl forgives the wonky saxophones
Greg James had played Cheryl Cole the programme’s altered version of “Crazy Stupid Love”, overloaded with deliberately wonky brass. On radio she sounded tolerant; the video showed a much more complicated facial reaction as she looked towards her management.
She nevertheless said, “I let you off, Scott,” and recorded “I do love a bit of Scott,” giving him a line he planned to preserve on his phone. Scott had also bumped into her at the lifts while trying to leave before her arrival, received a hug and learned that she smelled exactly as expensive as expected.
Jamie Dornan is not a team player
The first trailer for Fifty Shades of Grey had arrived. Chris had avoided the novels but remembered feeling excluded and threatened by the enthusiasm surrounding Christian Grey, whom he repeatedly called Humpty Dumpty. A fictional man was bad enough; the film would now attach the fantasy to Jamie Dornan.
Chris predicted that Dornan would become another Ryan Gosling, admired by women while misrepresenting ordinary men. A proper team player, he argued, would have rejected the role. His preferred Christian Grey was Paul Hollywood: older, more ordinary and considerably less threatening.
Scott suggested that women’s fascination with the character might resemble the discomfort women felt about men watching explicit videos. Chris reluctantly recognised the comparison but remained appalled that three books could mean three films.
The show replayed his own abandoned erotic fiction, The Demon Headmistress. Its food-based descriptions compared a woman to fillet-o-fish, chicken nuggets, teak furniture and a hot dog, confirming that the publishing industry had probably made the correct decision.
Danny Howard leaves for Global Gathering
Danny Howard joined Real or No Real before travelling to Global Gathering and then Ibiza. The programme again called him Gary Lucy while asking about an airport life filled with duty-free chocolate and luggage.
Former heavyweight champion David Haye really had presented an online weather forecast for dogs. A dance-DJ edition of Pointless Celebrities featuring the invented “Baseman” was not real. Jason Statham really had represented England in diving at the 1990 Commonwealth Games, finishing eighth in the one-metre springboard. Downloadable audio claiming to prevent hair loss also existed, although its science remained unproven.
Scott won 20–10. Danny left for a weekend of festivals and flights while Chris stayed behind to prepare for months of resenting a film not due until Valentine’s Day.
COMMENTS