Indiana’s Bingo aftermath
Indiana’s exceptionally wet Innuendo Bingo video had become the immediate highlight of the new year. Her white top had not been the most practical choice for a game involving repeated mouthfuls of water, while the moment she stood up and sprayed Chris created an innuendo of its own.
Scott replayed Tom Kerridge stewing his plums and encouraged listeners to watch the full video. The programme then returned to the previous day’s Voice Dating experiment, particularly Fowaz’s attempt to describe himself entirely through pizza toppings. Chris remained convinced that the idea deserved to become an app, despite its resemblance to a television format that had existed for years.
An invitation to the British Kebab Awards
Scott discovered that the British Kebab Awards were taking place in London that evening. Listeners knew nominees, sponsors and guests travelling from across the country, while Sara Cox had apparently discussed the ceremony on Radio 2. Chris immediately became desperate to attend and began imagining categories including best supporting salad.
He did not merely want a ticket. Against Scott’s advice, he found the organiser’s telephone number and asked whether he could present an award. The organiser recognised him, or at least accepted his description of working on the Radio 1 show, and agreed to try to fit him into the programme alongside MPs, ministers and figures from the kebab industry.
There were two requirements: he needed a suit and a few words for the stage. Chris interpreted the latter as permission to write a speech about the great year British kebabs had enjoyed, despite Scott repeatedly explaining that a presenter normally introduced the nominees and opened the envelope. He began drafting references to home-grown kebab talent and mixed-meat success, certain that every award presenter delivered a monologue.
The team secretly supplied the ceremony with an introduction for Chris to hear only as he walked on. Scott could not attend because rehearsals for the Strictly Come Dancing tour took priority, but Chris, producer Will and producer Gary began finding suits and preparing for a job that had not existed at the start of the programme.
Mad inventor Colin makes Hoover soup
Colin Furze returned as the show’s resident mad inventor. His previous projects included the world’s fastest mobility scooter and a giant device used to “fart at France” from the English coast. For a new online series, he wanted listeners to supply ideas for smaller but equally ridiculous inventions.
His first 2015 creation was designed for students returning to halls with little interest in cleaning or cooking. The “back-of-the-cupboard soup” machine used a vacuum cleaner to suck up leftover ingredients, then cooked and blended them inside. An old piece of pizza, peanut butter, potato or chicken could theoretically be collected from around the kitchen before the machine poured a finished bowl of Hoover soup.
Scott saw it as a more useful alternative to the green juices filling social media and invited Colin to demonstrate it in the studio. Early listener suggestions included a robotic arm capable of reaching a remote control, switching off a light or closing a bedroom door without anybody leaving the bed.
The first Bamboleo Wednesday
The first working week of the year felt unusually long, making the first Bamboleo Wednesday especially necessary. Students joined from revision and lessons, while listeners celebrated from offices, building sites and even homes where the Christmas break had not yet ended.
The pause before the final cry produced its usual tension. Scott treated the Gipsy Kings record as the first real milestone of 2015 and allowed the messages to run across the full ritual.
Alice Levine prepares for a dirty donner
Alice Levine played Real or No Real. Jamie Oliver really had sent an eight-kilogram turkey to Greg James’s parents after enjoying his appearance on Greg’s programme. Actors playing stormtroopers in Star Wars also had to be close to a standard height, but filming Blue Go Mad in Ibiza had not been delayed because Anthony Costa forgot that he needed a passport.
The British Kebab Awards’ most prominent Twitter follower really was Alan Dedicoat. Discussion of the ceremony revealed that Alice had eaten a shish kebab but not the kind of shaved donner meat Scott and Chris considered essential. They arranged to bring her a “dirty donner” on Friday, with a Middlesbrough parmo proposed as the next stage of her takeaway education.
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