Scott is back
Scott returned to the afternoon show after three weeks on the Strictly Come Dancing live tour and immediately found that Chris had stored up an entire programme’s worth of abuse. Listeners greeted the supposedly new presenter as Danny Howard, Piers Morgan and an inspiring young DJ being given his first chance since 2005. Chris welcomed his “crabby” friend home and played “The Arrival”, which Scott found more unsettling than celebratory.
The tour had left Scott with a job lot of white pants to wash before returning to the cast. They were necessary beneath his white trousers for the crab dance, although Chris briefly misunderstood this as a need to wear two pairs at once. Scott also insisted that he had taken the train back from Glasgow only because the tour bus would not have delivered him to Radio 1 in time.
Steve Backshall in Uganda
Steve Backshall reunited with his former Strictly castmate after visiting the health centre in eastern Uganda which Greg James was helping to renovate for Comic Relief. The building lacked electricity, running water, equipment and enough mosquito nets. Its roof space was infested with bats, rats and stinging insects, leaving patients to receive treatment beneath the noise and smell.
Steve described a mother travelling 20 kilometres on the back of a motorbike while in labour, then giving birth by candlelight as animals moved through the building. His initial role had been a form of pest control, including entering the loft to remove an owl whose call was regarded locally as an omen of death. He had nevertheless seen improvements beginning and stressed that donations could produce a direct, practical change.
Scott and Chris then tested the theory that Steve had a story about every animal. He explained that some African lizards communicated through press-ups, remembered a crocodile taking his bite-force equipment and throwing him against a tree, and described a sperm whale introducing its calf to human divers. Beavers received a more educational answer about changing ecosystems.
Steve also claimed that yawning could be contagious between a person and a dog because of the animals’ social behaviour. Listeners immediately tried it in cars and homes, producing both successful yawns and complete indifference.
The crab reviews
While Scott had been away, Chris had revived his habit of posting supermarket reviews in somebody else’s name. A synthetic approximation of Scott’s voice delivered enthusiastic recommendations for crab sticks, crab spread and Thai-style salmon fishcakes, all supposedly written by “Radio 1 funny man Danny Howard” or “TV’s most famous crab”.
One review suggested enjoying crab sticks in the bath because it was better where it was wetter. Another claimed Scott and his partner had abandoned chocolate spread after getting their claws on crab spread. Chris regarded this as valuable endorsement work; Scott saw his name and email address being attached to increasingly implausible seafood products.
Greg reports from Uganda
Greg James joined Real or No Real from Uganda after another day supporting the Comic Relief project. The Queen genuinely was beginning her official duties after the Sandringham Christmas break, and a 2009 search of Loch Ness really had found about 100,000 golf balls rather than a monster.
The Strictly tour cast did not travel on separate buses to protect the entire line-up from one accident, despite Scott’s suggestion that he and Rachel Stevens could not be placed together. Taylor Swift had, however, trademarked phrases from 1989 across an extraordinary range of goods, meaning that “this sick beat” could not simply be printed on walking sticks, saddles or whips.
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