Beccy’s Classifieds
In Beccy’s Classifieds, Beccy searched online listings for unusual objects, services and alleged bargains before Scott and Chappers judged whether they were worth pursuing.
Although Beccy was away, she had left a collection of adverts for the programme.
Britney Spears’ mansion
The first listing was not a credit-crunch bargain.
Britney Spears’ Beverly Hills mansion was on sale for just over $7 million after being reduced from almost $8 million.
The six-bedroom, six-bathroom estate included a gated motor court, wet bar, staff quarters, library, smoking room or den, formal dining room and a large entrance foyer.
The advert also promised high ceilings, carved woodwork, mosaic floors, iron detailing, a swimming pool, spa and landscaped grounds. Selected furniture, artwork and accessories were included.
Scott recognised it as the house from which Britney had previously been taken away on a stretcher. He suggested every listener could contribute £1 and take turns staying there.
A wanted ferret
Another advertiser wanted a toilet-trained ferret in the Bournemouth or Southampton area.
The person preferred a female animal but would accept a male, provided it did not bite.
Scott considered obtaining a ferret for his newly single flatmate. If it became too difficult, he joked that he could pass it to the advertiser.
The mysterious magician
A magician advertised himself as suitable for private parties, pubs and corporate functions.
The listing promised a “totally commanding” stage act, natural comedy and the ability to move among an audience “in a mysterious way”.
Scott and Chappers became fixated on that phrase and tried to demonstrate what mysterious movement might look like.
Skulls, mannequins and miscellaneous junk
One seller offered skull ornaments, including a dragon skull and the cast of a real skull for £50 each. The team rejected the listing because of uncertainty about where a real skull had come from and because dragons did not exist.
Another advert offered a bulk collection of unwanted objects, including two mannequins, PlayStation magazines, cassettes by Now 27 and Shaggy, a Ben Sherman wallet, mini-discs, jewellery, a bag of Pogs or Tazos, cricket pads, press-up handles and 15 SIM cards.
Chappers wanted the cricket pads. Scott wanted a mannequin so he could dress it, dance around the flat with it or use it to frighten burglars in the style of Home Alone.
Parrot Idol
Parrot Idol was the programme’s search for a talking parrot good enough to replace Beccy.
Previous birds had barely spoken, but Napoleon, a dwarf macaw, immediately said “hello” and appeared to say his own name.
His owner explained that one of his favourite phrases was “I’m going to fart”, copied from her mother, who apparently announced it aloud.
Napoleon also said “I’m good”, attempted his favourite song Fly with Me and responded to encouragement throughout the call.
Scott declared him the best contestant so far and put him through to the feature’s imagined boot-camp stage.
Oh, What’s Occurring?
Colin Murray competed against Chappers in Oh, What’s Occurring?.
The first round asked members of the public to name the best television advert ever made. Answers included the Halifax singing advert, the Cadbury eyebrow advert, Tesco, colourful bouncing balls, a toy-car commercial and the Crazy Frog. Because the responses were so varied, nobody received a point.
Another round counted words beginning with F during an episode of Antiques Roadshow. The montage included “furniture”, “fabulous”, “French”, “France”, “famous”, “family” and repeated valuations beginning with “fifteen” or “fifty”. The transcript does not preserve a reliable final total, but Colin’s prediction was treated as the winning one.
The final round asked the competitors to identify a celebrity from Twitter updates including “I’m back”, “they got to be homies” and “who’s down to ride with Dogg?” Colin correctly identified Snoop Dogg.
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