Birthday xylophone and Valentine pressure
A 17-year-old listener named Elizabeth happens to call on her birthday, giving Scott a reason to retrieve his birthday xylophone and attempt the tune live. He adds recorded greetings from an implausibly available collection of stars and sends her away with a celebration much larger than the call she expected.
Valentine’s Day then exposes the difference between Scott and Chris. Chris used to receive an anonymous card from his mum, identifiable because she disguised her handwriting with the wrong hand. This year none arrives. The pair decide the only fair way to measure their romantic ability is to phone florists, dictate messages for imaginary cards and ask the strangers taking the orders to read every word back.
Tossing a sausage in the oven
Chris chooses verse: “Violets are blue, roses are red, I’ll be Tom Hardy and take you to bed.” He continues with a magical story, then promises to toss a sausage in his beloved’s oven and make a mess of her plate. The florist remains admirably professional, though she has to warn that the message may require two cards.
Scott answers with a torrent of earnest imagery: kisses like roller coasters, fireworks and waterfalls; a butterfly needing wings; and a willingness to accept a life sentence inside somebody’s heart. Hearing an employee repeat the lines without emotion makes both attempts much more embarrassing. Scott wins for romance, although he admits receiving his own message would make him cry and cringe simultaneously.
Danny Howard’s powerful spray
Danny Howard arrives for Innuendo Bingo without spare clothes and is dressed in a waterproof owl top with leopard-like legs; Chris becomes half a shark. Danny’s reputation for the most powerful spray at Radio 1 proves justified as he takes aim through clips involving sporting names, food and other innocent phrases destroyed by context.
Real or No Real considers reports of hostility between Fifth Harmony and former member Camila Cabello. The claim that the group has banned Camila from hearing their music is fabricated, though her diplomatic “I wish them all the best” is examined for hidden bitterness. It is a Valentine’s show full of love, rivalry and two men making florists regret answering the telephone.
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