Japan is calling
Chris is due to leave for Japan that afternoon to film a BBC iPlayer documentary about extreme festivals. The journey takes 17 hours and includes a stop in South Korea; the filming itself lasts only two days before he must fly home for Monday’s show. Scott is far more openly excited than Chris and keeps testing his preparation. Asking what currency Japan uses does little to reassure him.
Before Chris escapes, the previous day’s Valentine messages are replayed. His promise to be Tom Hardy, read a magical story and “toss a sausage in your oven” still sounds astonishing when repeated by a florist. The actual Tom Hardy has meanwhile caused a sensation by reading a bedtime story on CBeebies, and Chris decides that this is a business he could enter.
The Owl and the Pussy-cat, seductively
Chris takes Edward Lear’s The Owl and the Pussy-cat outside Broadcasting House, climbs onto a giant planter and tries to reproduce Hardy’s mixture of kindness and smoulder. Listeners warn that only Tom Hardy can make the idea work, but Chris presses on, leaning heavily into every “pussy” and adding a wink at the end.
The performance is absurd, public and strangely committed. People outside the BBC must navigate around a grown man reading romantic nonsense verse from a flowerpot, while Scott listens from the studio and admits that Chris knows exactly what he is doing. Several listeners claim it is even better than Hardy’s version, which is all the encouragement Chris needs.
How to become Mowgli
The Google Game asks for popular completions to “What is the best way to become…” Chris chooses “ripped” and complains that twice-weekly gym visits have not transformed him. Scott proposes the Mowgli method: abandon a comfortable home, live in the jungle, swing through trees and eat off the land. If no jungle is available, the New Forest will do, provided Chris runs the two hours to work.
Scott’s answer is “longer,” covering his wish to gain a couple of inches in height and several meanings he does not initially acknowledge. They eventually select “rich” and score a rare correct answer. Greg James’ Real or No Real asks whether Ed Sheeran was refused entry to his own Grammys party for a fourth year. The claim is real: security had reportedly failed to recognise his scruffy appearance before, and the team wonders whether the bouncers are now simply repeating the joke.
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