Scott takes aim at long-distance university relationships during Freshers’ Week, warning listeners that keeping a partner back home is a doomed venture, while Davina McCall reads out some genuinely rude text messages.
Standing in for Grimm on Breakfast, Scott opens with a mysterious innuendo that has listeners baffled, then pivots to the perennial Freshers’ Week question: should students try to maintain relationships with partners back home? His answer is unequivocal—don’t bother. With new people everywhere and the temptation of freedom, he argues the relationship won’t last past day one, citing his track record of fielding similar calls year on year. The feature takes a turn when a caller named Nick shares his own Freshers’ story: he met someone on day one but dated someone else for four days before that person texted to say they’d already found someone new. It’s a perfect encapsulation of Scott’s thesis.
The show then features a reading of “Flood Divert” texts—cheeky messages sent in by listeners and performed by Davina McCall, who adds her own comedic flair. These range from flirtatious invitations to increasingly bizarre and raunchy content, with running gags about how certain phrases would actually be spelled and whether Davina is adding her own interpretation to the texts.
The episode also covers two oddball tech stories: a pet mobile phone for dogs (complete with GPS, allowing owners to call their pets, though the logistics of a dog answering a call are hilariously impractical), and a Japanese “Meowlingual” cat translation device that claims to interpret feline meows. Scott and his co-host riff on the absurdity of these gadgets, with speculation about how a dog could reject unwanted calls or whether the cat translation only works if the cat speaks Japanese.
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